My Journey

     

     SO I KNOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN WONDERING WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING, AND WHERE I'VE BEEN. WELL HONESTLY, I HAVE BEEN ON A PERSONAL JOURNEY SEARCHING FOR THE REAL ME, THE TRUE ME THAT GOD CREATED ME TO BE. I MUST ADMIT JOURNEYS OF THIS SORT CAN BE LONG AND GRUELING, YOU RUN INTO PARTS OF YOURSELF THAT YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT AND OTHER YOU'S THAT YOU DON'T LIKE AND YOU HAVE TO GET RID OF. I REALIZE THE ADDICT IN ME (LET'S CALL THE ADDICT MONA) THAT I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS HAD TO GO. MONA WAS SELF DESTRUCTIVE AND QUIT SELFISH. SHE MADE ME MISS OUT ON A LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES BECAUSE SHE JUST COULD NOT LET HER ADDICTIONS GO, AND SHE JUST HAD TO HAVE HER WAY. SO I STOPPED GIVING MONA MY TIME AND ATTENTION IN MARCH. THEN THEIR WAS THE PROCRASTINATOR (WE WILL CALL HER LISA) AND I TO BID HER FAREWELL AS WELL. ALL LISA DID WAS SIT AROUND TALKING ABOUT WHAT SHE WAS GOING TO DO TO CHANGE HER LIFE BUT SHE NEVER MADE GOOD ON ANYTHING SHE SAID AND AS MUCH AS I LIKED HER IDEAS, I HAD TO CUT HER LOOSE IN APRIL. AND FINALLY THERE WAS THE BROKEN GIRL, THE BABY (WE CAN CALL HER AMY). AMY WAS SWEET, BUT VERY INSECURE, SCARED, AND WOUNDED LITTLE GIRL. SHE FELT LIKE SHE DIDN'T DESERVE MUCH OF ANYBODIES LOVE AND IF SHE STAYED FAT NO ONE WOULD SEE HER BUT THE TOTAL OPPOSITE HAPPENED. SO AS SWEET AS SHE WAS I HAD TO SIT HER DOWN AND TELL HER SHE WAS LOVED, PROTECTED, AND THAT I WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HER BUT THAT SHE HAD TO GROW UP AND MOVE ON WITH HER LIFE, SO I SENT HER ON HER WAY IN JUNE. NOW I KNOW YOU PROBABLY THINK I'M CRAZY OR MAYBE EVEN A LITTLE SKITSO LOL, BUT I'M NOT. IN ORDER FOR ME TO TRULY WIN AT BEING A BETTER ME I HAD TO LET GO AND MAKE SOME CHANGES! SO I MEDITATE AND READ MY BIBLE EVERYDAY. I KNOW LONGER EAT MEAT, SEAFOOD, PROCESSED FOODS, VERY LITTLE DAIRY, AND I DO MY BEST TO MOVE MY BODY AT LEAST 3 THIME A WEEK. I KNOW I HAVE TO WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING I PUT IN MY MOUTH. AND SOME OF YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW THIS, BUT I JUICE 3 TIMES A YEAR. JUICING IS HOW I GOT RID OF MONA (BELIEVE IT OR NOT). JUICING TAUGHT ME DISCIPLINE AND IT HELPED TO CLEAR MY MIND. AND I HAVE A LOAD UP DAY( A CHEAT DAY AS MOST WOULD CALL IT) ONCE A MONTH. AND I EAT WHAT EVER MY HEART DESIRES AND I MEAN WHAT EVER, AND I DON'T BEAT MYSELF UP FOR IT EITHER. I'M LEARNING TO LOVE ME JUST THE WAY I AM, EVEN ON MY BAD DAYS. AND I'M NOT MY WEIGHT ANYMORE, I CAN'T LET THAT DEFINE MY LIFE AND THE KIND OF PERSON I AM. I GUESS THIS JOURNEY HAS BEEN MORE ABOUT FREEDOM THAN WEIGHT LOSS. I'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN AND I KNOW THERE WILL BE SOME SET BACKS. BUT I'M  ALMOST THERE, ALMOST FREE!!!!!

Starting Over(Yes Again)!

This is the Blog that I never wanted to write. As a matter of fact I said I would never be one of those contestant from The Biggest Loser that would have to say "I gained it all back". Well I hate to say this but "I have gained it all back", yes people every pound and then some. It took a little over a year and every time I would weigh myself I would feel like another day was being add to my sorrowful life sentence of obesity. I feel like I got a pardon and then the governor took it back. I have had a very ruff  past two years since I did The Biggest Loser, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer again, my dad left my mom after he found out she had cancer,  my personal life has been a soap opera to say the least and I took a year off from singing, yes a whole year. I remember when the weight started coming back on it was right after finale, cause that's when the drama started happening in my life. By the time the new year started I had gained 10lbs and it was down hill from there. I remember going back into my hole, my shell as the weight came rushing back on. The more weight I would gain the more I would retreat, until I found myself doing nothing and going nowhere. I was ashamed, scared, and most of all I really did feel like the biggest loser, how funny is that! I started reaching out for help and I didn't get any at all. Then I started reverting back to my old habit diet habit, like the Monday diet and everything that I read about and it just got worse. So i did what I felt like I had to do I just gave up,  I was tired of fighting the battle of bulge. I felt defeated and so for months I just cried and stayed in my bed. But one day last week I judge a 40 and Fabulous contest for a calendar and everyone of those women had there shit together if you know what I mean. They inspired me to do better. So I decided to give it one more try, one more time to fight for my own life. I've decided that this time I wasn't doing it for the music industry, or for my husband and kids, or to look good in that little black dress (although that would be nice), I was doing it for me so I could live this one life God gave me to the fullest, to live fearlessly. So today I have decided to share my journey with all of you once more, but this time I am going to share all of it with you. So here goes nothing! I have gained 98lbs since finale and I have a 160lbs to lose. I am going to share every week with all of you! I love you all and I need you all. So until next time!!!!!